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the F word

AMENDMENT: made at 11:52am for those of you, who may not want to read any further. COMMENT on this post to win SIGNED copy of The Pioneer Woman Cooks!

I wanted to make this recipe earlier, but I was trying to strategically plan the meal into our family schedule, when we would not be around too many people. Well that would be… NEVER. School, church, work, meetings, sports, working out at the YMCA. These are all places that…. well, you want to be flatus free.

Yes, I did just say the F word…

Last night I made the Pioneer Woman’s Beans and Cornbread. (Mine is on the left and Ree’s is on the right….can you tell. I know, hers looks so much better than mine!) I also snuck in the Onion Strings, and P-dubs Restaurant Style Salsa…onions, salsa…as long as we were gassing up I thought we might as well top of the tank.

Flatus, Fart, Biffer, Stinker, Toot, Woofer, Gas, Passage O, Breaking Wind, SBD(silent but deadly), SBV(silent but VIOLENT)…..you ALL do it! Don’t act like you don’t!

There are two types of people in this world as far as my husband is concerned…

“The farters” AND “The people who act like they don’t fart”.

In his mind there is a big Ol’ line drawn between them.

Oh, you didn’t know this about my husband. Yes, it’s true…he takes no offense to someone “letting it rip” around him. In fact if you do….you are “in like Flynn” with him. Don’t get me wrong he does have some manners, he knows when to contain himself…for the most part. Although, I have had to give him the nasty eye a few hundred times in our life together when we are out in public.

One Christmas Kenny received 3 fart machines…..it must of have been the first year they came out. Everyone who saw it, bought it for him…they knew he would love it! He has probably received 3 more since.

One year we went to a White Elephant Christmas gift exchange party. Maybe you have gone to one, everybody brings a wrapped present and then there is some sort of method to getting a gift and taking one from another person….I can’t remember the exact rules. Most of the night is spent passing gifts around and then at the end you finally get to open whatever you end up with in your hands.

You guessed it!

My husband wrapped the noise making part of the fart machine in a pretty little box, and put the activation button in his pocket. So who ever had the package would get a surprise. It was really quite funny, to watch people give the person next to them a sideways glance or a disgusting look and then walk away. Sometimes you could tell that they thought maybe they had let one slip, they would take a glance down at their stomach and look around all nervous. Ken would also time it just perfect, as someone was walking passed the holder of the “package” he would hit the button and they would give the passerby a startled look. Oh I think this was the best night of Kenny’s life. If he tells the story he laughs so hard he cries.

You just gotta love him….it’s the simple things in life that make this man of mine happy!

Do you have this book?

Walter the Farting Dog, by William Kotzwinkle and Glenn Murray/illustrated by Audrey Colman. Well of course my kids have it. We have been given many books that have to do with bodily functions over the years…yes quite an interesting library my children have to choose from. If you are into this sort of thing, or have friends that are, this is a very sweet book about a dog that gets adopted into a family but they can’t stand his stinky toots, and are ready to give him back…until Walter saves the day with his rancid rancor! It’s a must read…really…it is.

We do have a jar of this on hand…given to us of course by a well meaning friend…maybe we should give it a try.

Now I will leave you with a little diddy we sang as kids, and I have since passed (no pun intended) on to my children..

Beans, beans the musical fruit,
The more you eat, the more you toot…
The more you toot, the better you feel,
So let’s have Beans for EVERY meal!

This post was not intended to offend anyone…but if it did well then I guess you are on the other side of that big Ol’ line!

Bombs Away!

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  1. Oh Sheila, Michelle just told me about your blog. I'm so disappointed that I didn't know about it sooner but it sure made my day to stumble on this one. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at Ken the same again. Great Blog!!!

  2. My sister gave my husband farting slippers one year. We have 3 sons and 1 daughter. You can guess which side of the line we're on, LOL!

  3. This is by far my favorite post on your PW cooking odyssey. Being the mother of 4 boys,and another that I married, I get it. Farts are funny. And a part of my daily life. My 7 year old is laughing while I type, because I typed "fart."

  4. this is hilarious!, I will reccommend this column to my friends, and purchase this book for my grandson! Thanks for a good laugh!

  5. I love these beans, and my husband also loves to use this littl gadget. Men are so funny. My kids would love this book. Thanks for sharing.

  6. So funny! My son absolutely loves the book Walter the Farting Dog…bad thing is that he then goes around the house (and out in public) for the next day or so making wonderful noises! Oh…the joy of a 3 year old!

  7. Thank you Shelia. I laughed so hard. I love starting the day of with a good laugh, it just makes the rest of the day go by better.

  8. ok sheila, i can honestly say… this blog brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I was trying so hard to be quiet because hubby is sleep-farting at the other end of the bed. I am a closet anything pertaining to the lower part. LOL i mean i know it is part of life, but…. i just can't do it. even with living with ALL boys.althought they ALL know to go into the other room and stay there for at least a minute…as you probably know how it follows right along back to the room you were in previously….. ๐Ÿ™‚ thank you for making me laugh! ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. trying very hard not to snort and drool all over my computer as i read this because I was laughing so hard!!
    we have all of these items in our house as well:)

  10. Here is another one.
    Skunk in the barn yard
    P U
    Guess who did it?
    It was YOU!!!
    We love that one at our house ๐Ÿ™‚ Andrea Arnold

  11. Fart's are funny, that's all there is to it. One of my favorite parts of the Johnson family is their ability to be 'comfortable' with me, kinda wierd but true. I share in Ken's enjoyment of cheese cutting and all things related. Sheila, you make me laugh, thank you for this blog.

  12. Remember when Ken pulled out the "fart machine" during the pictures at our wedding? I can't believe that he didn't write me off right then…I can only imagine the convo you two had that night…can you believe NICK, of all people, would marry someone who didn't appreciate FLATUS? Crazy, but true. I still love you guys though, f___ts and all.

  13. Our book is called "Everybody Toots"! And it is hilarious! Kids and bodily functions just go together. I like the "crop dusting" take on it Robin!

  14. Oh Sheila our husbands would get along just great! Our families for that matter. We have that book and we can all sing that song! Sad as that may be! One of the terms at our house is "crop dusting". That is when you either walk thru a room or walk by someone and fart on the way by or a series of farts and just keep on walking! Just thought I would add to the gas stories above. Love it!